How to deal when it goes balls up

There is no remedy for a relationship that goes tits up. Unfortunately, I’m not withholding some elaborate fast-fix out of Smooshed-Heartville (it’s a heavy town to be in after all, man). The hard truth is – you have to earn your way out of there, and my dear little readers – it’s never an easy feat.

I could sit here and tell you that there’s a bagillion more fish in the sea, that one day you’ll look back on this boy and smile, sans the painful pang in your chest that you have right now (perhaps some of you will even laugh, at your utterly disgraceful taste in men. I know I will.) But the truth is, immediately post-split – all you can see is him – and all you can think about is your devastation, and how just… fucking gay it is that you’re not together. It doesn’t matter that you know things will get easier and that you may indeed be better off without him. Yeah, sure, one day that will all seem really important, but right now in the state that you’re in – Beckham himself could waltz right up to you, let loose that cockney accent on you as he flexes his forearm and you wouldn’t want a bar of him. In fact, you’d tell him to take his perfectly toned and tattooed torso and piss off back to Posh. And lady, I have to tell you – that’s pretty fucked up.

The important thing to keep in mind when it all goes balls up with a boy, is The Bigger Picture. Now it may seem like all that matters in the world is you and him – but the reality is, in a couple of months odds are you’ll be feeling gloriously giddy about some other smooth-talking so and so – and ‘balls up boy’ will be out of sight, out of bed and out of mind.

And even if you don’t find another male to occupy yourself with straight away, so what? Still keep your eyes on The Bigger Picture. You know that the shit feelings you’re experiencing are only temporary, you just have to ride it out – however long, arduous and painful it may be at times. Just think, you have all this time to work on yourself. To finally find the time to begin that bikram yoga class, get through that ever-growing list of soppy rom-coms and start a new hobby. (erm, blog writing anyone?)

I mean really, you should send ‘balls up boy’ a thoughtfully written thank you card, because he’s actually gone and done you a favour! Okay, perhaps that’s a bit of a stretch – if a favour feels like a stab through the ticker with a rusty hack saw then yeah – maybe a card is required. But come on, odds are he’s still a bastard, and you’re best to keep your beautiful, newly refurbished soul away and untainted by the likes of him. That means no ‘relapses’ – yeah, trust me, i know that girls have needs too okay… I just know that jumping back into the shag shack with him will only have you both left feeling utterly confused – and totally back to square one, aka a one-way ticket to Smooshed-Heartville. (And do you remember how fucking gay Smooshed-Heartville is? You do not want to go back there dammit!)

So take it from me, the best relationships always go balls up at some point – and if you and him are meant to be, then it actually will be. For the rest of us who are wasting emotions on the wrong guy? Well, while it may seem as though the end of the world when things do come crashing to a halt, you have to remember one very important point – there’s a very good chance that before you know it, he’ll be wrinkly, middle-aged, exceedingly unhappy and heinously fat. So smile pretty girl.






Have you ever checked into Smooshed-Heartville?

It’s not a very cool place to wind up, is it?

Do you have a secret remedy for how to deal when it all goes balls up with a boy?