An open letter to Delta.

Delts, hiya.

Well, I heard about the split. I would say I was sorry to hear about the split, but little white lies and huge bits of bullshit aren’t really policy at NQC. Soz.

To be honest, I was thrilled when I heard that you and Brian were no longer set to waltz down the aisle. It may sound a wee bit harsh, but I think you’ve dodged a major bullet there my friend – let me explain further.

Firstly, he was never going to be good enough for you. I’m serious, just look at him. Everything about him screams world’s biggest twat. He’s got that ridiculous

Twat alert. Major.

accent, which I imagine you may have thought was super sweet when you first met, but now just kind of makes you want to backhand him (well, me anyway.) Then there’s the fact that he has kids with Kerry Katona. I don’t even know how to start on that. So I won’t – just know that i’m currently shuddering and closing my eyes with eyebrows raised in utter repulsion.

Did you just say “Kids? What kids?” to the computer screen? Yep, not many people know he actually does have children. Seeing as he never seems to see them. It’s a travesty. He’s normally too busy practicing his wankerage and hanging with Kyle Sandilands.

Which brings me to my third and final point. If he’s friends with that highly amusing but ridiculous oaf, it’s beyond obvious that he’s even more of a deadset loser than first imagined.

Trust me girlfriend, you are a million times better off alone. In fact, you’re better off with the bum that lives on Market Street in the City. At least he doesn’t have a twattish accent and think he’s god’s gift to women. All he wants is food and probably a bit of a cuddle – bless him.

So Delts, I say this with love, Aussie pride and a spoonful of feminism to top it all off. You did good.

No, you really, really did good. And when you find another amazing, gorgeous man that deserves you, you’ll look back at ol’ dicky McFaggen and chuckle. Because yes, you very almost ended up to the annoying blonde loser with the fucking annoying accent that likes his girls just the way they are – drunk at the bar.

Christ. Well done eh?


Olivia x





Do you think Delta has done the right thing?

Did you like them together?

Are you fucking crazy lady?!