5 things I’ve learned about flying


Everyone loves a holiday, don’t they?

The chance to get away, to explore a new place, a new environment, to take it all in or just simply lie on the beach with a beer in your hand and snooze the afternoon away.

The latter is the kind of holiday I just experienced, except you should replace beer with frozen slushie drinks with not nearly as much alcohol as they state in them and then you’ll have a clear image of my recent trip to Thailand well and truly in your head.

I didn’t mind, I like artificial mango as much as the next guy. The one thing that is universally hated by everyone that travels – is the flight.

Not even really the fact that you’re hundreds of thousands of kilometers in the air, but more that it’s uncomfortable, the food is shit and you look just like the food tastes as soon as you land, guaranteed. It’s really not a great start or end to a trip, especially if you’re off to somewhere like the UK, which makes us Aussies just want to turn around and go home again – just 21 hours after setting off.

However, I’m so pleased to announce that I’ve worked out how you can get the most out of your flight – any flight in fact. All you need to do is follow a very specific set of guidelines and be ready. Even though flying to a holiday is like what Kim Kardashian is to Hollywood, you can’t escape that the two come part and parcel. So here it goes, get your notebook ready…

FLYING MUST-DO #1: always and I mean always check the back of the plane for spare seats. Especially on long-haul flights, there are always usually rows saved at the back of the plane. Do the check before you sit down in your assigned seat and then swiftly make the move after take off.

FLYING MUST-DO #2: avoid children at all costs. The little buggers may look all cute and giggly while you’re on the ground, but they’re almost certain to turn into whinging, vomiting monsters as soon as the plane hits 40,000 feet.

FLYING MUST-DO #3: eat before you fly. Let’s be honest, unless you’re in Business Class, the food is rubbish. No matter what they tell you, the meat could be anything – chicken, fish, beef – it all looks and smells the same. The word ‘salad’ as a starter is never what you think it’s going to be either, unless what you envisage is a 10cm x 10cm square with a few pieces of lettuce, a slice of cucumber and one cherry tomato.

FLYING MUST-DO #4:  when in doubt, request the two minute noodles. If the food really putting you off and you’re feeling sick enough as it is, feel free to request some two-minute noodles. DID YOU KNOW THAT PLANES ALWAYS CARRY TWO-MINUTE NOODLES? Because I didn’t, until my recent Singapore Airlines flight stuffed up by not ordering children’s meals for a few nearby kids, and offered some chicken noodles instead. My insides jumped with joy. Plus, they do coffee, too! Cappuccinos! They just don’t want to advertise it in case they get a coffee-fuelled influx. Sneaky rabbits.

FLYING MUST-DO 5: load up the iPad. Sometimes entertainment selection isn’t all that great. Okay, a lot of the time. Plus, if you’re flying home with the same airline a few weeks later,  you often have the same selection of movies and television shows to choose from as you did on the way over, and let’s be honest, there’s only so many times you can sit through Identity Thief, am I right? In fact, loading up your iPad with your favourite television show is an amazeballs ways to pass the time. I took my own advice and got brought up to speed with the goings on of Melrose Place. No, not the new one that never made it past season one. The original with Billy, Alison, Amanda and the gang. It turned an eight hour flight into a 15 minute skip across the ocean.



What is your best tip for flying? What advice can you give to budding travellers? Do you have a flying horror story you’d like to share?